When Is A Leg A Tree?

Jasper with the tempting tree legs behind.

On a wintry day, my husband, JF, and I ventured out with our two hounds to take our daily constitutional. With the warm sun and cold air we decided to extend our walk and venture further – on the dirt road, past the sheep farm, and into bear country.

Our dogs, Jasper and Darcy, sniffed and smelled along the way, marking their scent, as well. I marveled at how well Jasper, at age 13, handled these walks.  He kept pace with JF, who gently guided him on the leash.

On the return, the dogs paused periodically to take in the different smells and mark their own scents. During one such pause, I noticed Jasper gently twist the leash behind my husband and move into an unusual position. And then it dawned on me what was coming next. I tried to provide a warning but could not formulate the words. When I finally uttered the expletive, Jasper had already lifted his leg and started the steady stream of pee on the back of JF’s leg.

In disbelief we looked at the wet line snaking down JF’s jeans, starting just below the back of his knee. Jasper looked unfazed by our raised voices and choice words. This old dog responded to nature’s calling. He just chose to respond to the nearest limb, which unfortunately for JF, was not a tree.

The rest of the way home, JF felt a chill from low and behind.

What if People Knew DogSpeak?

I know my dogs lack human intelligence but sometimes I really wonder about people smarts and all it’s cracked up to be. In the wake of hurricane Sandy, I overheard a conversation about food scarcity at grocery stores in the Big Apple.

Dog intelligence.

One woman, middle-aged and obviously well to do, commented that she did not see why this was such an issue. “In my home, I have enough food to last at least a month!” The conversation grew more appalling when another woman explained, “Well, in the city everyone eats out.”

HELLO! As a Bronx girl, I can assure you that not everyone in NYC eats out. Other factors contribute to why food shortage becomes problematic. All of a sudden I heard a voice say clearly and emphatically, ”Not everyone can afford to buy a month’s or, for that matter, even a day's worth of food. Plus, many people in the city live in postage-size apartments and don't have the luxury of freezers and pantries, which would allow them to stockpile food.” By the way, I was the voice – didn’t win any friends there.

But it got me thinking how out of touch people are with reality. It reminded me of the French Revolution and the statement Let them eat cake, often attributed to Marie Antoinette as her solution to the peasants' inability to procure bread.

Then I started thinking about the Republican Party following this election. I thought the Rolling Stones song Out of Time and the line You’re out of touch, my baby, perfectly defined their relationship with the American public.

Back to my dogs. What they lack in human intelligence they make up for in direct communication that makes logical connections. Barking for Feed me, Walk me, Pet me, or I hate that cat, dogs speak clearly when they have something to say. You just have to listen. I can’t say the same about people. What comes out of their mouth often makes no sense.

Sometimes the wisdom of dogs baffles my mind.

All You Need Is Love

I have heard that dogs provide their owners with unconditional love. Well, I beg to differ. I think the opposite is true and that we, meaning responsible, well trained dog owners (who have received this training from our pups after years of living with them) provide our pooches with unconditional love.

When we get pissed at our dogs and try to have a conversation, they just look at us with the same expression they have when they want food, a walk, or to go out for a pee break. And, when they give me that look, the one that conveys I do not have a clue what you are saying, nor do I care. All I want is…I give up, smile and cave-in. I pet their head, rub their belly, let them out, or give them a treat. Any trace of my annoyance dissipates.

No matter how angry they make me when they vomit in the house, wag their tail and break a vase, or jump on me with muddy paws, I can never stay mad. They look at me with those soulful eyes and my heart just melts. I give them unconditional love.

Darcy Strikes a Pose on the Runway

Darcy’s surgery hurt me more than it hurt her…literally and physically. After having three benign tumors removed from her side, she developed a hotspot where the dissolving stitches refused to dissolve. Constantly chewing at the site, she kept opening up the wound. To prevent this, I put an Elizabethan collar (E-collar) on her.

Most dogs abhor wearing an E-collar. Not Darcy. She had no clue that her head was now three times its normal size with that collar on and continually rammed into my legs until I was black and blue.

I called the vet's office and received assurance that the stitches would dissolve. They also informed me that if my dog ripped open the stitches, she would have to go under general anesthesia for suturing. I had spent enough on the surgery so the collar stayed on and my legs hurt.

After about a month, I received a particularly painful leg-ramming and decided this had to stop. A light bulb went off. I recalled that when Darcy was young, she had cut her paw. I cleaned the area, applied liquid bandage and put a sock over her foot, which I then wrapped around her leg. I assumed she would bite that sock off in no time but to my surprise, she enjoyed wearing it. I had to remove the sock daily and replace it with a clean one. When her foot healed after about a week, I could swear she missed that sock.

Introducing the Doggie-tee

Darcy modeling the doggie-tee

So, I thought, my dog likes to wear clothes. Well, what if I put a t-shirt on her to cover her flank where the I do not want to dissolve stitches reside? I figured it would not work and she would bite through the t-shirt but, it was worth a try.

I grabbed an Animal Rescue League tee, put Darcy’s head through the opening and her front legs through the arms. Then I tightened the back, bunching up the fabric and fastening it with a ponytail holder. Voila…the doggie-tee.

Unbelievably, Darcy loved it. She never chewed through it and wore it proudly morning, noon and night. Daily walks became a fashion statement with different doggie-tees…one from Alaska read “Where men are men and women win the Iditarod.” She soon had about a dozen tees in her wardrobe and donned a new one each day. As summer approached I explored options for the warm-weather doggie-tee, a sleeveless version with the sleeves crudely cut off.

Darcy’s surgery took place in February. By March she began chewing at the stitches and wearing the E-collar. By April, she started her fashion statement with the doggie-tee. By early August, her stitches finally dissolved and she went back to her naked self.

I think she misses her clothes.